Most people want to belong to and connect with others, especially those they care about. Feeling rejected by these people and believing you don’t want to is not a pleasant experience, whether for work, dating or friendship.
Pain can also be cut quite deep. In fact, the rejection seems to activate the Reliable Source in the same areas in the brain with physical pain.
Then it is easy to understand why so many people are afraid and even afraid of rejection. If you’ve experienced it once or a few times, you’re probably worried about how much it hurts and it will happen again.
However, fear of rejection can keep you from taking risks and achieving big goals. Fortunately, this mind set is certainly possible to get through with a little work. Here are a few tips to get you started.
Remember what happened to everybody
Brian Jones, a therapist in Seattle, explains that rejection is a fairly universal experience and fear of rejection is very common.
Most people experience rejection on both big and small things at least a few times in their lives, such as:
- a friend ignoring a message about hanging out
- being rejected for an appointment
- not receiving an invitation to a classmate’s party
- a long-term partner who leaves for someone else
It never feels good when something doesn’t happen the way you want, but not all of life’s experiences turn out the way you hoped. Reminding that rejection is a normal part of life – something that everyone will encounter at some point – can help you fear it less.
Validate your feelings
Whatever the source of the rejection, it still hurts. Other people may not see what is happening as a big deal and may encourage you to overcome, but pain can linger, especially if your sensitivity to rejection is higher.
Rejection can also include other disturbing emotions such as embarrassment and awkwardness.
Nobody but you can say how you feel. Before you start addressing your feelings about rejection, it’s important to acknowledge them. Saying you shouldn’t care while you’re really hurting yourself denies the opportunity to face and manage this fear efficiently.
Seek learning opportunity
It may not seem like this right away, but denial can provide opportunities for self-exploration and growth.
Suppose you applied for a job you really wanted and had a great interview, but you didn’t get the job. This can ruin you at first. But after looking at your resume for the second time, you decided that brushing off some skills and learning how to use a new type of software wouldn’t hurt.
After a few months, you realize that this new knowledge opens the door to higher-paying positions for which you weren’t qualified before.
Restructuring your fear as a chance to grow can make it easier to try what you want and reduce pain if it fails. Try telling yourself, “This might not work, but if it doesn’t work, I’m going to have a meaningful experience and I will know more from me”.
When it comes to romantic rejection, reviewing what you’re really looking for in a partner can help you work through your rejection fears. It can also put you on the path of finding someone who is suitable from the very beginning.
Remind yourself of your worth
Rejection can be particularly frightening when you read too much. For example, if you have several dates with someone who suddenly stopped texting, you might be worried that you bore them or they just didn’t find you attractive enough.
But rejection is often simply an example of incompatible needs.
Shadowing is never a good approach, but some people lack good communication skills, or it can hurt you by saying, “You would be nice and cute, but I didn’t fully feel it,” actually, you really appreciate honesty.
Building self-confidence and self-worth can help you remember that you are completely lovable and make you less afraid of continuing to look for you.
Try:
write three paragraphs in which you are most proud of yourself
List five ways to practice your personal values
reminding yourself what to offer a business partner
Keep things in perspective
If you are more susceptible to rejection and spend a lot of time worrying about it, you can imagine the worst-case scenarios.
Let’s say you haven’t entered your graduate program. You may start to worry that all the programs you apply for will reject you, and you will have to try again next year.
But then you start to worry that you will be rejected next year, which will make it impossible to get the job you want and advance your career, making it impossible for you to become financially stable enough to make your dream come true. owning a house and a family etc.
This type of negative thought spiral is called catastrophe and is often very unrealistic. Consider giving yourself a few actionable backup plans or finding counter numbers for some of your core fears.
Find out what really scares you about rejection
Discovering what is really behind your fear of rejection can help you alleviate this anxiety.
Maybe you are afraid of romantic rejection because you don’t want to feel lonely. Realizing this can help you prioritize developing strong friendships that can help isolate you from loneliness.
Or maybe you’re worried about being rejected by potential employers because you don’t feel financially secure and you don’t have a plan B.
Face your fear
Of course, you can’t be denied if you don’t put yourself there. But you probably won’t be able to achieve your goals. Achieving what you want gives you a chance to experience success. You may experience rejection – but then not be able to repeat it.
Jones recommends creating a “fear hierarchy” or a list of steps related to your fear of rejection and working on one of them at a time. This is part of exposure therapy. You can try this yourself, but a therapist can also help you create a list and work on it.
“Someone who is afraid of romantic rejection can start by creating a dating profile without the intention of using it right away. Then they can continue to chat without the intention of meeting in person,” he says.
If you do, be sure to let people know that you don’t want to meet yet.
Refuse to speak negatively to yourself
It is easy to enter a customization model after rejection. You can say things like “I knew I was going to screw this up”, “I didn’t prepare enough”, “I talked too much” or “I’m too boring.
However, this reinforces your belief that the rejection is your fault when it has nothing to do with you. If you believe someone will reject you because you are not good enough, that fear can go along with you and become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Positive thinking doesn’t always make situations arise in a certain way, but it can help improve your perspective. When you are encouraged and self-supporting, you are more likely to believe in your own potential to achieve your own goals.
And if things don’t go well, show compassion by telling yourself what to say to a loved one in the same situation.
Lean in your support network
Spending time with people who care about you can actually reinforce a knowledge you want.
A good support network encourages you when you try to reach your goals and comfort if your efforts are not successful. Knowing that your loved ones are behind you can make the chances of rejection less scary, no matter what.
Trusted friends can also help you expose yourself to rejection scenarios you fear.
Talk to a professional
“Fears of rejection can have long-term effects,” says Jones, including preventing you from pursuing great opportunities at school or at work.
Fears of rejection can be overcome, but professional support is sometimes helpful. If you have a fear of rejection, it may be time to consider contacting a therapist:
- leads to anxiety or panic attacks
- keeps you away from the things you want to do
- causes trouble in your daily life
Result
Rejection can cause you to doubt yourself. However, fear of this can limit you and prevent you from experiencing most of what life has to offer. Choosing to look at rejection as an opportunity for growth rather than something you can’t change can help you fear less of possibility.
The pain usually disappears over time and this pain is no exception. It may not matter much anymore in a year or even a few months. If you are having difficulty overcoming this fear, a therapist can provide guidance.
